God,
I have no idea where I am with you but it is surely not where I want to be with you. I do not want to give you an empty offering but this stuff with the bipolar has thrown me for a loop and I know it shouldn't have. I am sorry that I have been running from you since then but I didn't think I could come to you. God I still have a hunger for you. My life will never be satisfied without you in it. No house, no furniture, no child, no husband, no friend can take that place. No small body, no make up, nothing that I have tried to fill my God shaped hole will fill it but You. I am not close to you. I don't know where I am with YOu at all and it is breaking my heart. I have no business doing that bible study though when I am not anywhere near You. God hear me. You are Good. You are my creator. You are the only who can change our relationship so please do. Please transform my heart. Jeremy doesn't read your word and some days I don't know where any one in this house is with You. God please rescue us with a real love for You. You are the only one who can change the hearts in this house and I am praying mightily for that. Please God, rescue us!! We need You. If we are going to read your word and grow close to you, it will be You who will do that in us. This is us. We are filthy and self indulgent. We will try whatever it takes to be happy without you. We will cover it up in so many different terms and rationalizations but this is what it is. Its self reliance. I don't know what bipolar is God. I don't know whether its physiological or not. I don't know whether being a part of GCC is the right or wrong thing but that decision has been made. I hope it was the right one. I hope buying this new house is the right one but can we start from here? Can we go from here? Can you take me from here? If any of these decisions are wrong, then make them clear and they'll be different but God, you know how bad I want both of these. I want to start fresh now at a different church and in a different house. I am very concerned with getting up the stairs in this house and getting out from underneath it would be great. And its helping someone else and I don't think its wrong but what I think would be wrong would be to try to replace the need for you with the house. Thats not going to work. Ms. Kim says that I should turn this drowning feeling into praise to you. I can do that. I may feel far but at the top of this page is the word God. Eight or nine years ago, that would not have been the case. Thank you for constantly calling me back to you. Thank you for loving me all of the time. Thank you for never changing. I am always changing, emotion after emotion and you are not. You are always loving, you are always patient with us and I am so thankful for that. Nine years ago, I was just flying free but in such bondage to sin and didn't even know it. I would have never been praying to you tonight even if it weren't for you calling me to you. Thank you God. I want to live my life like I know what you did for me those many years ago though. I want a personal relationship with you. I don't want you to be so far off. You know God that Whitney is my best friend. She has been there through thick and thin. I would never dream of letting her go and not talking to her for a week in unheard of. Thats what I want with you. When I offend you, which will be easy to do because you're perfect, I want to immediately make it right and feel bad until I do. I want a real relationship with YOu. So I have to commit to reading your word and listening to you everyday, multiple times a day. Thats what I am going to do. Starting tonight. You have alot to say so its going to take me forever to listen and thats great!! I want to talk to you multiple times a day too. I am a big talker. God please forgive me for not talking to you more Please forgive me for offending you in ways that I don't remember. But please tell me so I can make it right with you so we can have an open relationship. I love You GOd and want to love You more!!
Annie
Philipians 1:6 -
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